Tuesday, November 30, 2010




Most people give their hearts away,
Time and time again.
But I seek no other way,
For my story to begin.

I’ve climbed that mountain,
I’ve carried the weight of that deed.
I reached the peak,
And honestly I see no need.

To risk the risk,
That comes with such an endeavor.
Risk what you will,
But I see no cause to endeavor,
To again experience that pleasure.




It's a terrible thing to be stricken with hope,
When you know there should be none.
When your mind knows truths,
But your heart won't let it be gone.

People always speak of hope,
Like it's always good.
But that is something,
Grossly misunderstood.

Hope can make you believe,
Make you hang on for way too long.
Then you realized all you've missed.
So much time is gone.

But deep down inside,
You really don't care.
Longing for something,
That was never even there.

06 29 08

Where The Wind Once Blew

"Where The Wind Once Blew"

Oh the wind,
How I miss the wind.
It whispered over my shoulder,
It was my friend.

But the wind grew cold,
And the sky grew dark.
And tomorrow sank,
Within my heart.

My once true friend,
Blew harsh and strong.
Roared against the yesterdays,
Until they were gone.

Of course all storms pass,
They always do.
Still I wander the litter,
Where the wind once blew.

06 30 08

Monday, November 29, 2010

What We Become

"What We Become"

Turn and walk away.
Just turn and walk away.
Sometimes there is nothing,
Anyone can say.

All things begin,
And all things do end.
Through heartache and tears,
Time will lend.

A measure of importance,
A measure of value.
And time will too,
Take that pain from you.

Longer for others,
Shorter for some.
It is heartache that forges,
What we become.

06 23 08

I Try To Remember

"I Try To Remember"

I'm doing the best I can.
I can't silent the thoughts in my head.
Would you prefer I pretend,

Agonizing and hard,
Not sure I'm that strong.
Remembering moments and events,
That all are gone.

Gone like they never happened,
Like they never took place.
But I do remember,
When I look on your face.

Try to remember it never happened,
That it never occurred.
I try to remember,
But the memories stir.

07 10 08



Can you engender me with hope?
Can you engender me with peace?
Can you somehow,
Engender me release?

Can you engender a smile?
Can you engender dreams?
Can you bring a silence,
To breath weary screams?

Difficult to wonder,
Because I do remember.
It's difficult to ask,
But can you engender?

07 27 08

Hayley Westenra - Never Saw Blue

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Can't Be

"I Can't Be"
I can't be good,
I can't be nice.
I can't be good,
Wouldn't that entice.

Someone to remain,
Someone to stay.
I can't be good,
In any way.

If I were,
I wouldn't be here.
Wondering what I did,
Wondering what I fear.

I can't be,
Something upon which you rely.
Or I wouldn't be awaiting,
The heavens reply.

Of why I hurt,
Or why I'm alone.
I can't be good,
Not after what I've shown.

07 27 08

My Advice

"My Advice"

Feeling broken,
Fractured inside.
I know,
Everyone lies.

Shouldn't there be an exception,
An exception to the rule?
Or are we left to wander aimless,
With our hearts to duel?

I'd like to say it can happen,
But deep down I know it won't.
If you're tempted to follow your heart,
My advice,
Is don't.

07 22 08

Against The Tide

"Against The Tide"

The emotion strikes me,
As a giant wave,
It stretches my horizon,
There is no way to save.

I struggle against the current,
Lift my head and try to breathe.
I am pulled into the depths,
Where hope itself deceives.

Tossed by a force of nature,
Hopeless struggle against the tide.
Gasping for breath,
But there's nothing left inside.

07 29 08

Shoulder to Shoulder


"Shoulder to Shoulder"

Shoulder to shoulder we stood,
We faced it all.
I mean we could take it,
Regaurdless the call.

Course that was before,
Before I knew,
That person,
Who is you.

But shoulder to shoulder,
We stood.
Of course that was before,
I understood.

08 04 08

With December

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"With December"

Over 500 poems,
Word after word,
Line after line.
All just moments,
Now lost to time.

I can recall.
I can remember.
The years always come and go,
With December.

So many bits and pieces,
That mattered only to me.
That shaped and deformed,
All I now see.

Moments of joy,
Some days of bliss.
Now just some trash,
A breathless wish.

None of it matters,
All gone in a blink.
So fast, so fast.
No time to think.

But still I recall.
And still I remember.
Yes, the years always come and go.
With December.


Saturday, November 27, 2010

Don't Dare Make Me Regret


"Don't Dare Make Me Regret"

This is a truth I have pondered,
Since I was maybe eight, nine or ten.
How will you say goodbye,
Because it is not a matter of if,
But when.

When you say goodbye.
Will it be an I wish you well,
Or will it be a,
Go to hell.

For most,
It is less than a thought,
Perhaps it never crosses their mind.
So is it a moment of pause,
Or regret for rewind.

What if we decided first?
How we intend to say goodbye.
Open and honest.
Nothing to hide.

Wouldn’t that be nice?
Avoiding the fears.
Upfront and honest,
Spared the tears.

I mean,
I’m good.
If you don’t want to be my friend.
I certainly have no need,
For you to add to the trend.

Don’t ever say you love me,
If it isn’t true.
From this place in my life I’ve no need.
To believe any less of you.

A truth I have pondered,
Since I was maybe eight, nine or ten.
How will you say goodbye,
It is not a matter of if,
But when.

So when at last,
If we say goodbye.
Don’t dare make me regret,
The tears in my eyes.

From wisdom I can only offer this,
Acknowledge that you will say goodbye.
Please don’t leave them to regret,
The tears in their eyes.

Don’t dare make me regret,
What I will never forget.


Does Yours Make You Smile?"

Does Yours Make You Smile?
"Does Yours Make You Smile?"

There is a tare across my soul.
I wait for it to heal.
I hope against the knowing,
That it never will.

I guess sometimes,
Something touches your life.
It imprints forever,
Regardless bliss or strife.

Something's that touch us,
Will always remain.
Does yours make you smile?
Or drive you insane?

08 08 08

I Can Only Hope

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"I Can Only Hope"
~ ~ ~
This time of year
Is so hard on me
Angry at myself
Not feeling free
Angry at myself
Since I feel so sad
Dwelling on the things
I believed I had
See the people laughing
They smile, I smile
Feeling so empty
Looking on presents
In piles
Gifts given of love
Given in heart
And all I feel
Is torn apart
I can only hope
As I hear them laugh
As I want to cry
I can only hope
That every part of love
Is not a lie

Like a Fading Leaf

"Like a Fading Leaf"

It appears that I,
I have a decision to make.
Stay here or move on,
But I'm caught in the wake.

Of something so much,
Bigger than me.
I know there's a path,
But I just can't see.

I don't see the point.
I can't see the reason.
Like a fading leaf,
With the changing season.

Knowing it must sprout,
Knowing it will wither and die.
And I'm just very tired of,
Wiping tears from my eyes.

08 10 08

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Why you shouldn't give to the Salvation Army this holiday season

This really upsets me. I give consistantly to the door ringers every season. Hopefully the money that I gave was actually used to help some people (no GLTB people for sure but hopefully some people) and not money for their church and politics.

I would appreciate it if my friends and family would NOT support The Salvation Army until they change their ways.

This link leads to a video that pretty much explains their policies about the GLBT people out there that might need help.

Damn it, this really made me sad... a bunch of ASS HOLES!

Why you shouldn't give to the Salvation Army this holiday season

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Inside Out

Inside Out

"Inside Out"

Gibberish, gibberish
In my mind
Voiceless whispering
Of days behind

Rivers run
Fists clinched tightly
Dripping blood
Glistens brightly

Pounding, smashing
Against my head
Crying, screaming
At the dead

Clawing, gripping
Tearing skin
Parts fall away
Splatters of then

Bone exposed
I roar, I shout
Pulling myself
Inside out


For Me

For Me

"For Me"

I want to thank my friends,
For anticipating,
While I am still,

Thank you for being there,
But I will not be coming back.
That is a destination,
Whose directions I lack.

I guess that a soul can be damaged,
Damage that can not be undone.
No, I would not wish this,
Upon anyone.

Yes, I can force a smile,
The times when I need.
But apparently there is no undoing,
This deed.

Do not fret,
Do not worry.
This is what was meant,
For me.

08 16 08

A Choice

A Choice
"A Choice"
A fork in the road,
A moment to hurt or rejoice.
A right or a left.
A choice.

Consider all the facts,
Analyze each memory.
Stare deep into the fog,
Was it true or just me?

Maybe right or left.
Maybe forward or back.
Difficult to choose,
Lacking all the facts.

Oh, but it's a choice,
That you will make.
When choosing between,
What is true and what is fake.


Wander Through The Moments

wander through the moments
"Wander Through The Moments"

Set back in still reflection,
Try to grasp those wisps of smoke.
Struggle to remember words,
That to your heart once spoke.

Listen intently,
Sounds that will never come.
Attempt to remember notes,
A long forgotten song.

Stare to the blackened heavens,
Search for hope in the sky.
Dirty hands leave smudges,
Wiping tears from eyes.

Sift through shattered memories,
Wonder how much any of it meant.
Wander through the moments.
An extinction causing event.


How Many

"How Many"
So when does it matter enough?
When does it really matter?
That your heart really breaks,
That it finally shatters?
How many loves,
Does it take for you?
Does it take one, or two?
Until you're through?
Or will it ever,
Matter to you?
How many broken hearts,
You go through?

Ever Since

"Ever Since"

Under the tree,
There is only absence.
Only dust and cobwebs,
Ever since.

Ever since,
I truly and honestly believed.
Believed so much,
That this soul can not be retrieved.

Only dust and cobwebs,
In that once magical place.
Though I doubt you could see it,
Were you to look on my face.

An exhausting fight,
Battling the memories.
A war to the end,
Inside of me.

Under the tree,
There is only absence.
An absence in me,
Ever since.


Why Bother To Try

why bother to try
"Why Bother To Try"

Are we knowing?
Are we wise?
Are we deserving,
Of the prize?

The Prize.
What does that mean?
As this world wipes away,
All of our dreams.

Why should we hope?
Why should we dream?
Why force silence,
In lieu of screams?

Why force a smile,
When we want to cry?
Why put forth the effort?
Why bother to try?


Where Ever You Go

"Where Ever You Go"

In the absence of soul,
The world becomes white, black and grey.
The yesterdays are gutted,
Then bleed into today.

A dreamless walk,
Through reoccurring events.
Whispers of memories,
Most filled with resent.

Stagger through the moments,
No one can really know.
How lonely it really is,
Where ever you go.


a dime

"a dime"
There was once,
A once upon a time.
When life added up,
Like two nickels are a dime.
I had promises,
I had safety.
I had someone,
Who I knew was there for me.
But like everything,
Everything can turn on a dime.
And in that moment of moments,
You find you're out of time.

In a hearse

"In a hearse"
I want to scream,
Until it doesn't hurt anymore.
I want to roar,
Until I don't care anymore.
I want it gone,
The feeling in me.
A someone happy,
I want others to see.
I don't want to be haunted.
I don't want to be cursed.
Don't want to feel like I'm living life,
In a hearse.
I want yesterday gone,
Don't want it anymore.
Don't want to live anymore,
In what came before.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Then It Stalls


"Then It Stalls"

Random thoughts find their way,
Down familiar halls.
My heart beats faster,
Then it stalls.
It skips a beat,
The next, then two.
And now stone cold,
All thanks to you.
So I stand in the sun,
Try to absorb its warming.
Then those random thoughts,
They just start swarming.
The thoughts find their way,
Down familiar halls.
My heart beats faster,
Then it stalls.




The words are coming,
Try to fight them off.
I'd rather go someplace,
That carries me aloft.

But that is not the way of things,
Not the way things are.
Just like those moments preceding an accident,
When you were driving your car.

If I'd left a minute later,
If I'd stayed a minute longer.
You struggle with the thoughts,
Though it will not make you stronger.

It won't change the outcome,
It won't change what occurred.
Nor will it change,
What you've endured.



In the absence of hope,

Resides only despair.

You tell yourself,

Until you convince yourself.

That you just don't care.




I am a poet, I am romantic, I am sentimental, I am trustworthy but have trouble trusting. I am an artist without an art and a writer without a pen. I am a dreamer in search of his dreams. I am curious and easily entertained. I am loyal probably to a fault.

I am a work in progress with no scheduled completion date.

I am detached and emotionally unavailable. I have trouble letting people get close to me and I don’t want to become attached to anyone. I am sarcastic and witty. I have lost sight of the joy in holidays. I have trouble asking for help and don’t accept it easily. I have trouble caring about things. I have trouble forgiving and I never forget.

I am a work in progress with no scheduled completion date.

True love does exist. It is blindingly beautiful and utterly devastating.

Love at first sight exists, I know this for a fact.


Winter approaches,
It comes fiercely.
It cannot be as cold,
As the heart of me.
I loathe these times,
This time of year.
Reminders of happiness turned black,
Endless tears.
Wishing it were different,
Knowing it will never be.
Winter cannot be as cold,
As the heart of me.

There Is No Way Back

"There Is No Way Back"
Stare into the mirror,
Empty eyes stare back.
Although I know the cause,
The reasons I lack.
Stare into the dark,
Knowing it equals the light.
Even when you see clearly,
It can never be right.
Listen to the silence,
Revel in its peace.
Knowing even in silence,
There is no release.
Hover inside the void,
Reside inside the black.
Knowing deep down,
There is no way back.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

GLEE - "Teenage Dream" Full Performance!

Yay! Kurt!

The Sheer Force of an Infinite Belief

"The Sheer Force of an Infinite Belief"

While there is truth in the startling discovery, in the awakening realization and unyielding belief that two is better than one.

There is truth that this belief carries with it an immeasurable joy that may best be described as blinding in its beauty.

Yet, within this belief, even in its infinite power, even in its limitless light, it is but a speck in the vast expanse of a stark reality.

In spite of the apparent unending power of an endless truth, or the sheer force of an infinite belief, that two is better than one.
There is nothing that compares to the utterly endless uncompromising void that is fact.
There never were two.

having said that, I still love this song...

A Dark So Endless

"A Dark So Endless"
A tune with no notes,
A singer with no voice.
A question asked,
Where there is no choice.

A decision to make,
Given no facts.
A train in route,
Without any tracks.

A book without beginning,
Middle or end.
A friendship believed,
But there is no friend.
A dark so endless,
You know not how deep.
A dream that is dreamt,
Without going to sleep.


Wheel of Fortune November 5, 2010: Amazing Puzzle Guess!

Susan Boyle - Perfect Day (Official Video - New Single)

She really just has a beautiful voice, and the video is beautiful!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Two Seats

"Two Seats"

I feel so out of sorts,
The happiness of a season I can't see.
I get lost inside a sadness,
That exists in me.

I want to embrace the celebration,
Behind these holiday days.
But associations prevent me,
In so many ways.

I remember the moments,
Days now long past.
My moments of forever,
I really thought would last.

So am I missing it?
The times we all deserve?
I guess I'm still setting at a table,
Where two seats were reserved.





I want to cry,
The tears won't come anymore.
The pain remains,
The tears won't fall like before.

Maybe the tears have dried,
Inside the desert of me.
There's no oasis,
As far as the eye can see.

An oasis appeared,
It was only an illusion.
So much time spent,
A living delusion.

I need to cry,
The tears won't come anymore.
The pain remains,
The tears won't fall like before.


Monday, November 8, 2010

P!nk - Raise Your Glass

{from Feb 2009} If I Had Only Known...

this is from February of 2009

If I Had Only Known...

My Mom, Vernetta, 71, of K.C., Ks passed away February 18th, 2009 at her home.

A celebration of her life will be held from 10 AM to Noon, Saturday, February 21st, 2009. Please contact me for details if you would like to know the location.

Vernetta was born in K.C., Mo and had lived in this area all of her life. She was a wife, mother, and homemaker. She leaves many people to cherish the memory of the love she gave so freely including her husband Montie, a son, Danny, 3 daughters, Ruth Ann, Marilyn, Terry; a step son, Mike, a step daughter Linda, 11 grandchildren, Dana, Josh, Chrissy, Amy, Amber, Stephanie, Teresa, Rebecca, Mathew, Rachel, Andrew, and 5 great grandchildren (with four new ones on the way). She was a great example of how to treat people and animals.

Vernetta was the most amazing grandma and mom.

In January


“In January”
I wish I’d spent more time with you,
In January,
It might offer me,
Some sanctuary.

But I can’t regret,
Those days that I missed.
Or those moments,
I dismissed.

I know you loved me,
And that’s all I need,
For me.

I know you know,
I loved you,
As the very best,
That I could do.

I could be upset,
I could be angry.
I know you were there,
For me.

And that you always,
Will be.
I just wish I’d spent more time with you,
In January.

Wisdom Is Earned


“Wisdom Is Earned”

Some good, some bad.
Some right, some wrong.
One way because you’re weak.
One way because you’re strong.

Wisdom is earned through experience,
It simply can’t be given.
Wisdom is earned.
Gleaned by living.

Some lessons can’t be taught.
Unless the teachers name is life.
Some lessons lead to bliss.
Some lead to strife.

There are mistakes once made,
That can’t be undone.
And many of life’s lessons,
Well, they're not very fun.

I could try and warn you,
And if you’d listen I would.
Wisdom is earned through experience.
If we only understood.


A Difficult Reality

"A Difficult Reality"
I’m not going to see,
My Mom again.
That’s a difficult reality,
To let settle in.

I won’t hear her laugh,
Or hear her call my name.
There are so many things,
That won’t be the same.

What’s going to happen at Christmas,
Or at Thanksgiving,
Or what will happen in the rest of the days,
Without her we are living.

I don’t know how to assimilate,
These days with this vacancy.
I’m not sure what to say,
When someone asks of me.

How are you doing?
How are you today?
I’m honestly not sure,
What to say.

I’m not going to see,
My Mom again.
That’s a difficult reality,
To let settle in.


Too Much, Too Soon, Too Fast

"Too Much, Too Soon, Too Fast"

Too much,
Too soon,
Too fast.
There really is nothing,
That lasts.


Knowing there are no answers,
Before you form the questions.
Knowing there is no godly voice,
To answer your objections.

Only the darkness,
Secluded in light.
Realizing how pointless,
It is to fight.

Too much,
Too soon,
Too fast.
There really is nothing,
That lasts.




I’ve got to get up,
And go to work tomorrow.
Regardless of this hurt,
Regardless of this sorrow.

Regardless of the heartless one,
The one who ripped me apart.
I’ve got to get up and keep going,
Regardless the beatlessness of my heart.

I’ve got to get up,
I’ve got too keep going.
I’ve got to get up,
Even knowing.

Heartless is the norm,
And empty is the way.
That’s really not much to keep you going,
Passed today.


This Ruin


“This Ruin”

Maybe some explorer,
Will stumble upon this ruin.
Find some joy left from what happened,
Way back then.

Perhaps they will explore,
Wander and wonder.
Maybe they will set back and stare,
Simply silently ponder.

Maybe wonder where,
The road might have gone.
Or what the structure looked like,
Back when it was strong.

What happiness was witnessed?
How much was understood?
How much sadness was there?
How much pain endured?

Perhaps someone will stumble upon,
And wonder of this ruins history.
Ponder at the depths,
Simply wander the mystery.


There’s A Place


“There’s A Place”

There’s a place,
Where hearts no longer intertwine.
There is a place past the lonely,
Where you are fine.

People can smugly smile,
Act as if they know better.
Presume you are acting this way,
Because you are bitter.

At some point you will realize,
We all end up alone.
In spite of the caring,
Of the loving you have shown.

You could love with all you are,
Only to be left out in the cold.
And then find you self alone,
With no one to hold.

Or you could love with all you are,
And find someone who loves you just as much.
Endless sunrises ever longing,
Each others touch.

Been there done that,
I understand the hurt it can bring.
So I find myself in winter.
Ever anticipating spring.

But there’s a place,
Where hearts no longer intertwine.
There is a place past the lonely,
Where you are fine.





Run from me,
I am devastation.
I am the end,
I am the realization,

That there is no hope,
There is no day break,
There is nothing left,
To take.

There are no loving sunsets,
Left for anyone to claim.
No beautiful sun rises,
That will ever be the same.

No there is nothing left here,
For anyone to love.
No there is nothing left here,
That will ever,
Ever rise above.

.. ..




It’s kind of funny,
How I never realized how beautiful you were.
Until you were gone.
To the taken for granted days I confer.

It’s so silly how we love,
And we never really say.
I can always do it tomorrow,
I don’t need today.

But today,
You’re already gone.
And I just want to fall apart.
But I’ve got to be strong.

I should’ve kissed and hugged you,
While you were near.
But today,
There’s nobody here.


Repetition Insane


“Repetition Insane”

I want to stop,
Make stop the rain.
But how do you stop,
Repetition insane?

I don’t want to revisit,
Don’t want to descend.
Don’t want to miss my love,
My friend.

I guess it’s unavoidable,
There’s no way around.
Ever searching for something,
You never really found.


My Eyes Burn


“My Eyes Burn”

My eyes burn,
The yesterdays sting.
While I try to reach and grasp,
As I cling.

Cling to things gone,
That only were.
Lost in thoughts of him,
Of her.

Funny how fast,
It slips away,
As we pause and think of it,

My eyes burn,
As the yesterdays sting.
While I try to reach and grasp,
As I cling.


Enrique - Tonight

OMG!! It's WICKED naughty but I LOVE IT!

Sunday, November 7, 2010



So what is it exactly,
That you would have me do?
Allow someone in,
And have the betrayal start anew?
I think not,
No there is no casting call.
Fallen once then twice,
I do not need another fall.
My heart has already been split,
Ripped, torn in two.
So what is it exactly,
That you would have me do?

I Hate It

“I Hate It”
If they were granted,
Have you wondered what your wishes would be?
I am just empty,
At the very core of me.

There are no more wants.
There are no desires.
There is no fearsome flame,
There are no fires.

I am here,
For no reason other than I have to be.
There is absolutely nothing inspiring,
Here for me.

I loathe this place,
Loathe this existence.
Knowing deep down,
There is no resistance.

I hate it.


On Our Last December

On Our Last December

“On Our Last December”
Amongst the shadows.
Amongst the dust.
I try to forget,
But remember I must.
I try to forget,
But I always remember.
The words that were spoken,
On our last December.
No token of wrongs,
Or anything that didn’t belong.
No hint that the words didn’t match,
To our chosen song.
A sudden departure,
Above any words.
I still don’t believe,
The words that I heard.
I try to forget,
But I always remember.
The words that were spoken,
On our last December.

Can I Say We ?

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"Can I Say We ?"

Beyond imagination
So much smoke
Beyond reason
It must be a joke

Are they really running
So much debris
I am only watching
What do I see

It must be a joke
This can't be real
Are those buildings falling
How should I feel

I cried
No way to understand
How a person can do this
By their hands

Are we deserving
Am I qualified to say we
Am I too a victim in this disaster
I see

Can I say we
What did I do
What did we do
I ask of you

How can you hate us so much
This disasters touch
What did we do
To hurt you so much

How can I grasp
Or understand
This horror given
From far away lands

Because I just don't

In memory of 9-11

Lost and Confused

lost and confused

“Lost and Confused”

A silly heart speaking words,
It never really heard.
A soul feeling lost,
Lonely and confused.

Did I find the one?
And lose them forever?
A forget me not?
A forget me never?

I guess I’ll never know,
Until I cross that brilliant light..
The choices I’ve made,
Between wrong and right.

Just a silly heart,
That never really heard.
A soul feeling lonely,
Lost and confused.


You Look Familiar


“You Look Familiar”

Walk in to that once,
Such familiar place.
I swore to never return.
I might see your face.

Smile and embrace,
The friends who can’t see.
How painfully hard,
This is for me.

Then I notice the face,
Far across the room.
It has been so long,
The hurt makes it soon.

Keep smiling out,
While I’m dying in.
If it is ever to stop hurting,
I could not tell you when.

Talking and laughing,
Walk up to the bar.
Accidentally shoulder to shoulder,
But it just feels so far.

An attempted conversation,
I raise my hand to pause.
As to why it still hurts,
I can offer no cause.

“You look familiar,”
I offer honestly.
As the salt starts to hover,
Inside of me.

“You look familiar, like someone I knew before.”
“But I am certain that we, have never met before.”

Walk away from that place.
The endless flight of stairs,
Believing love from someone,
Who never even cared.