Testing with a cool pic

I gots to hold a really big iguana @ the KC Reptile Show

WISDOM

hurt

 

hurt

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USqVqGc8CwE&list=PLCABD8866FFF44EF1&index=22&feature=plpp_video

     

 

I love this song. When I am alone and I hear it, it makes me want to cry.

I would like to believe, that this is what a person who was so very significant that ex seems so harsh and shallow.
 
I would like to believe that this is what they would say to me if they actually looked into their heart.
 
But that is the romantic in me, because the truth is, I never mattered at all.

  

...this is hurt...
   
(I did not write any of this song or lyrics)

     

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I wanna call you

But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

And it's so hard to say goodbye

When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes

And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I've missed you

Since you've been away

Ooh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line

To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

      

"I'm so far passed hurt."
this lines mine...

 

hurt by Christina Aguilera with lyrics

Please don’t think that I am in any way validating suicide

Please don’t think that I am in any way validating suicide.  I am simply attempting to explain it from my point of view as I have, in my own way, come to understand it.  If this offends anyone for any reason I apologize.  I am not educated in psychology this is how I have learned to understand it.

I suffer from both depression and an incapacitating phobia (that means when I am confronted with the object of my fear, I lose the capacity of rational thought and behave recklessly.)

 

When you hit that breaking point (where you are forced to fight or flee) it is a horrible, horrible feeling.

 

In the instance of my phobia, the setting for my reaction changes, it can hit me anywhere.  In the car, at a friend’s house, at the park, out for a walk or even out at dinner.  (My phobia is bees/wasps/hornets)  These are battles that I can win or avoid and therefore manage some control over my fear.

 

When you hit the darkest point within depression it's usually from many things you encounter daily.  The places and triggers are always similar or the same.  So you fight / flee from the very same trigger, in the very same places every single time.  It can hit you when you open a photo album (any photo album), when you pull into work, when you pull into your garage or driveway or when you unlock your front door. 

It is the same battle over and over and over and over again.  Every day, with everyday things, an everyday battle that you will never win, you can learn to endure it.  You can learn to lessen the impact of the battle on your life, but it never really will go away.  For me, Christmas is hard, for personal reasons, presents under any Christmas tree takes me back and it always makes me sad.  (I am way better with it now, but I will always have to remain mindful and keep my mind on track or it will make me sad every single time.)

 

From all that I have read, Don Harman had support of friends and family.  He had an understanding family and loved his work.  I can only think that he just became too tired, of that everyday battle, for reasons I will never understand.  When a person suffers from depression and takes their own life, they may just be tired of fighting every day.  It never means that your friends or family could have done more.  Sometimes we just have to rest, and some of us have to do extraordinary things to get the rest we need. 

This doesn’t make it ok or acceptable.  I just want to shine a little light to hopefully help some people understand.

In memory of Don Harman

this wont be posted on twitter or facebook, it is just a note to myself of what I posted on Don Harmans Sympathy page.

Shared in memory of Don Harman.
    
Battling depression is hard to understand for those who do not battle
it. I have battled it most of my life, this poem is one that I wrote
and read often when the dark gets too dark.
  
If you fight depression you can find support in friends, family and
your doctor. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.
 
"I Roar Out Against The Dark"
    
My eyes flutter open
Something passes over me
This is so dark a place
How has this come to be
     
I know I have been chained
For far too long
The chains are so heavy
They are so strong
   
The weary starts to take me
The peaceful void of sleep
Something stirs within me
Something buried deep
  
The smallest voice
Speaks within
My eyes flash open
Wide again
  
The darkness knows
That it cannot hide
But still it swells
As I reach out my mind
   
The darkness tries
To wrap me tight
But past the dark
I sense the light
  
I take a hold
I beckon it in
The darkness knows
It cannot win
   
I raise my head
Against my fears
Lying in puddles
Of wasted tears
  
The chains now old
Are covered with rust
So tired, so heavy
But I know that I must
   
I stretch myself
I break the chains
   
I roar out against the dark
  
Danny Gunter
 -
12/2005
    

Prejudice

"Prejudice doesn't just go away, knowing when to behave correctly does not free anyone from prejudice. Prejudice must take many generations to fade, I still witness it because of many social & cultural mistakes that began centuries before I was born. Simple respect and equal possibilities are all I would like, prejudice will only fade in its own time."

Danny Gunter
Saturday, October 15th, 2011

“laced”

“laced”

I lie here silent,

Drowning in remorse.

Why?

Because of you of course.

All you really did,

Was validate what I already knew.

I let you in knowing already,

What things in life were true.

Still I risked it.

Knowing I stepped out upon the ledge.

But the fall from you was hateful.

I cannot reconcile heart and head.

You were my Angel.

Righting all that was wrong.

When you revealed your secret.

I’d never felt a loss so strong.

  

I walked against the knowing,

I believed in you.

While you laced my heart with dreams,

And none of it was true.

Danny Gunter

6/23/2011

But I Don’t Like It Anymore

“But I Don’t Like It Anymore”

My head don’t like the thought,

Of tomorrow.

Like I assume blood feels,

As it’s pushed through the morrow.

Another sunrise,

Another day.

In the words of any of the wise.

We should appreciate in every way.

But in my experience it’s like walking through mud,

Each step more heavy by the one that came before.

And I’m sorry if it makes me a bitch.

But I don’t like it anymore.

Danny Gunter

05-27-2011

between pillar & post

    
Over the course of my life, I have pulled between pillar & post.


People used me as a conduit to exert a measure of control of their lives.
 
I’ve been spoiled, tossed and held high.

I’ve been pride and shame for people who care for and love me.


In younger years, I lived knowing I may have to pack my bags and go live in another place at any time, all dictated by other people’s needs, whims and desires.

They never asked me how it made me feel or what I wanted. They just assumed that my re-location was for the best regardless of how it made me feel.

I have lived in over 10 houses in the Greater Kansas City area and I have been schooled in no less than 9 different school districts.
 
I do believe that this unwanted diversity added to my character but left me with feeling helplessness living life as a victim in the current of a river.
 
I don’t have to live like that anymore and I know while misguided, none of it was done with any intent to hurt me or make me feel bad. I liken myself to an important piece on a board game while the adults played their game of Life.
 
I do not begrudge anyone, but I will not and I do not have to live like that anymore. The rest of this is MINE. I had to get to the age of 40 to say that.
 
I just want everyone to understand how it felt living and knowing that at any moment that each and every friend could be taken, that every anchor that I had could be pulled away from me at any time leaving me at the mercy of angry seas adrift in this Tsunami of life. Never knowing where I might be next week. My Mom & Dad were amazing people and my sisters were awesome (when they weren’t teasing me).
 
I am finally out of the reach of that controlling force and no person will ever put me back into that situation again. I will not have it and I am strong enough now to say, NO! THIS IS MY LIFE and I choose and I decide.
 
I am damn happy and I AM THE ONE who made it that way,

God Hates Danny

I am a gay man with a caring and loving family. I have amazing friends, online friends from all over the world. So I ask a favor.

If you see a story about gay people do this. Replace fags or homo with Danny.

The sign really says “God Hates Danny”.

Remember “Danny cannot legally marry.”

Replace any gay connotation with my name; all of those headlines are about me.

Info about Sleepwalking

If you are curious here is some info on sleepwalking. I posted on Facebook during my most recent episode and don't remember doing it. In the past I have had many conversations, even making plans with people that I don't remember. Also for me, even after I remember a few bits and pieces of what happened, trying to recall anything about the event at all is extremely difficult.

Zombie Wedding Feb 29th 2008

If you didn't know already, my friends Chris and Amber Tied the Noose on Friday night. It was a Zombie themed wedding and the above pic is a self pic of what I looked like. There will be a lot more pics to come. Here is a link to the video the news crew did, it was a blast I will blog about it when I have the pics to go with what I'm saying.

http://videos.kansascity.com/vmix_hosted_apps/p/media?id=1746050&genre_id=839

A Skydiving Day: I've had a good life ~ 05-17-2008 ~

 .
Original Post: May 17th, 2008
 .
A Skydiving Day: I've had a good life.

So the day started early, we arrived at the little airport before 11 am.

Tammy, Lisa and I were doing the tandem jump. Crystal, Sean, Brad, Sara, Anne Marie, Lisa's Cousin (can't remember her name) and John were there for support and to watch our silly asses jump.

IT TOOK ALL FREAKING DAY! I don't think Tammy jumped till around 2 and she did really good! Lisa went next and then me. We had a lot of "fun jumpers" in between us.

When I was up, they harnessed me up and it was a quick lesson then we got on the plane (a very little plane).

Once we got close to altitude, he hooked me up to him in the plane (a very little plane) and we scooted on our butts to the door. The wind was so strong.

He put his left leg out, then my legs were out, then his leg.

Then we rocked back and forth 3 times and woosh! I was in free fall from 11,000 feet!!!

You're just falling and it's all so fast and amazing and crazy!

Then he pulled the chute to open. OH MY GAWD it feels like you are rushing up into the sky! I LOVED THAT PART!

But when he opened the canopy it didn't work quite right. I could tell that something wasn't quite right because he was jerking and tugging on stuff.

I was like "Is something wrong?" (we were shouting)

He replied "Just hang on. I will fell a lot better when I get this under control…" (or something close to that).

I said "Well, you can explain it when we are on the ground…"

"Ok, hang on…"

He was jerking and stuff, then we finally kind of twisted around and everything was calmer and I could tell everything was ok and finally he said "There, now just enjoy your ride."

We floated around and when we landed I even got to land on my feet!!!

I can not explain properly how amazing it all was. I am still freaking beside myself.

I will admit that when I knew that we had a problem (the chute had gotten tangled), and I was forced to face the realization that 'WOW this might not go well' I kind of surprised myself.

I thought quickly, ok, what am I going to do?

Then I of course realized that there was nothing I could do.

So I looked down at the ground, and I thought 'I really might die…'

Then I thought … 'I've had a good life, this fucking sucks, but I've had a good life'

(I'm very happy with that.)

After that I relaxed and let my diver guy take care of stuff it was all good.

I know that it was an awesome experience for Tammy and Lisa too! I will not attempt to recount their experience.

Even with my mishap, I would so do it again and if you have ever thought you might like to do it, I think you should. It was beyond words amazing!

YAY!!!

Another Dead Faggot

“Another Dead Faggot”

So what is it going to take?

Another dead faggot on the news?

Another young person to jump from a bridge,

Just a few blocks from my house or yours?

I’m sure you read about that other dead faggot.

That one who left that note.

The one who’s friends forgot,

No one could understand what they wrote.

If you are gay there are people who hate you.

Whether you admit it or not it’s true.

What’s it going to take to get you to notice?

Another dead faggot or two?

Because when enough attention is given,

And the bashers find it harder and harder to find their prey.

I'd rather not know the person who’s death,

Heralds the change that day.

And the haters will cuss another dead faggot,

Who’s death finally brought the world around.

But the ones already lost,

Those are dreams that can never be found.

Another dead faggot is that what’s required,

For people to look up and open their eyes?

While surviving family and friends can do nothing,

But dry the tears they will cry.

Maybe they will lobby for stricter laws,

For the pointless hateful crimes.

The days come faster and faster,

Will it be in your time?

I'm not trying to frighten you.

I'm trying to reach your heart.

Just know who you are,

Know your surroundings and keep it smart.

Danny Gunter

2-15-2011

Iowa grandmother speaks in favor of gay marriage

If I Let Myself

“If I Let Myself”

If I let myself,
I can fall back to then.
Way back before.
We can remember when.

When the sun so brilliant,
Simply shined its beauty.
When warm loving light,
Actually fell on me.

When there was rhythm in the beauty,
When roaring wind was just a breeze,
When those naked sticks,
Were really sleeping trees.

When the cracks in the concrete,
Could somehow be repaired.
Back when eyes could cry,
And hearts were everywhere.

If I let myself,
I can fall back to then.
Way back before.
We can remember when.

Danny Gunter
01-24-2011

Special thanks to my Cousin Steve who let me use his photo.  I love that picture.

It Always Feels Like Fall

“It Always Feels Like Fall”

Just like season’s people change,

Month after month I turn the calendar on the wall.

Still somehow in the evenings dark,

It always feels like fall.

Record disasters arrive all the time.

Setting new records they somehow surpass.

The most tragic of moments we read about,

Horrible moments from the past.

We Walk.

We jog.

We sprint and we run.

Mindless unknowing,

What we’re running from.

Hopeful for blissful moments of warmth,

When we pause in the sun.

While we are running,

From all that’s been done.

By our hand or not,

The result is the burden we bear.

Flip through the photos we cry and smile.

Was I actually there?

We Walk.

We jog.

We sprint and we run.

Mindless unknowing,

What we’re running from.

Hopeful for blissful moments of warmth,

When we pause in the sun,

While we are running,

From all that’s been done.

Record disasters arrive all the time.

Setting new records they somehow surpass.

The horrible moments we’ve read about,

Tragic moments from the past.

Just like the season’s people change,

Month after month I turn the calendar on the wall.

Yet somehow in the evenings dark,

It always feels like fall.

Danny Gunter

01-21-2011

No One

 

"No One"

If thunder heads have tops,

I have flown among them.

I have seen the sky reach forth,

Too ground the stem.

I have danced in the light,

In the morning sun.

Between the moon light of the night,

And the coming of the one.

 

An honor I can only guess,

Not given to everyone.

  

Yet we soared,

We rose a hairs breath above.

What we mortals refer to,

As love.

Occasionally I can find a smile,

Built on a foundation of lies.

So I cry and I cry while the mermaids,

Wipe tears from my eyes. 

I cried and I cried,

Still, you never said why.

 

Why I was offered no reason.

Left naked, ignorant alone.

In the harshest of seasons.

   

I screamed for you,

I screamed and screamed,

Until voiceless it seemed.

I couldn't scream anymore.   

And you never once even looked,

Never checked the door.

  

Occasionally I can find a smile

When I think back to then.

But no one.

  

And I do mean no one.

  

Will ever make me hurt,

Like that again.

      

Danny Gunter

~

12-13-2010

The Frame

“The Frame”

The frame was flawless,

The picture was perfect.

As I dream and I ponder,

And recollect.

A storm born in anger,

Blown on rage filled winds.

Consuming home and families.

Myself and many friends.

The frame was broken,

The glass was shattered.

I tried to pick up,

The pieces that mattered.

The glass cut my hands,

Blood dripped of my heart.

My eyes cried tears to a sea,

No force could part.

But the frame was flawless,

The picture perfect.

As I dream and ponder,

And recollect.

Danny Gunter

12-11-2010



Even Though I Breathe

"Even Though I Breathe"

Haunted by shadows,
Of things that never were.
Still the memories and feelings,
Remind and stir.

All of my passion,
Apparently has died.
Perhaps it drown,
In the tears I've cried.

Maybe I drown,
Even though I breathe.
At the end of a tunnel,
With nothing to believe.

d
06 22 08