Please don’t think that I am in any way validating suicide

Please don’t think that I am in any way validating suicide.  I am simply attempting to explain it from my point of view as I have, in my own way, come to understand it.  If this offends anyone for any reason I apologize.  I am not educated in psychology this is how I have learned to understand it.

I suffer from both depression and an incapacitating phobia (that means when I am confronted with the object of my fear, I lose the capacity of rational thought and behave recklessly.)

 

When you hit that breaking point (where you are forced to fight or flee) it is a horrible, horrible feeling.

 

In the instance of my phobia, the setting for my reaction changes, it can hit me anywhere.  In the car, at a friend’s house, at the park, out for a walk or even out at dinner.  (My phobia is bees/wasps/hornets)  These are battles that I can win or avoid and therefore manage some control over my fear.

 

When you hit the darkest point within depression it's usually from many things you encounter daily.  The places and triggers are always similar or the same.  So you fight / flee from the very same trigger, in the very same places every single time.  It can hit you when you open a photo album (any photo album), when you pull into work, when you pull into your garage or driveway or when you unlock your front door. 

It is the same battle over and over and over and over again.  Every day, with everyday things, an everyday battle that you will never win, you can learn to endure it.  You can learn to lessen the impact of the battle on your life, but it never really will go away.  For me, Christmas is hard, for personal reasons, presents under any Christmas tree takes me back and it always makes me sad.  (I am way better with it now, but I will always have to remain mindful and keep my mind on track or it will make me sad every single time.)

 

From all that I have read, Don Harman had support of friends and family.  He had an understanding family and loved his work.  I can only think that he just became too tired, of that everyday battle, for reasons I will never understand.  When a person suffers from depression and takes their own life, they may just be tired of fighting every day.  It never means that your friends or family could have done more.  Sometimes we just have to rest, and some of us have to do extraordinary things to get the rest we need. 

This doesn’t make it ok or acceptable.  I just want to shine a little light to hopefully help some people understand.

Danny's little part of the struggle...

Creativity

"Creativity" 
   
I think that,
My creativity may be,
A very dangerous place,
For me.
  
I can imagine worlds,
So many stories I could write.
But it leads a winding path,
To wrongs not right.
  
If left to wander,
Along on its own,
It always leads me back,
To the saddest place I’ve known.
  
So I try to remember the spurs.
And pull correctly on the yoke.
What I create doesn’t have to resound,
Or be my sadness wrote.

 
Dg
Danny Gunter
12-04-2011

In The Summer

"In The Summer"
  
These people keep coming
Knocking at the door
I keep telling them
He doesn't live here anymore
  
Sometimes they want to visit
Have something to say
I don't know how to tell them
He was taken away
   
Some say they have seen him
The body was never found
A ghost of what was
Who still wanders around
   
I have to tell them I'm sorry
But Danny isn't here anymore
He was gunned down in the summer
Of Two-thousand four
  
Dg
Danny Gunter
04/13/2006

Woulda – Shoulda

“Woulda – Shoulda”
 
That old tune,
Began to play as I was driving along.
A few months ago,
I probably woulda skipped that song.
  
Just changed the channel,
Or pressed the arrow to skip.
But I sang it again,
My head and shoulders did not dip.
  
I sang it again.
And I did not cry.
I was able to sing and smile.
My cheeks remained dry.
  
But the first time I heard it,
During a misleading trip.
I’m not ashamed knowing now.
I shoulda pressed skip.
  
Dg
Danny Gunter
12-02-2011



In memory of Don Harman

this wont be posted on twitter or facebook, it is just a note to myself of what I posted on Don Harmans Sympathy page.

Shared in memory of Don Harman.
    
Battling depression is hard to understand for those who do not battle
it. I have battled it most of my life, this poem is one that I wrote
and read often when the dark gets too dark.
  
If you fight depression you can find support in friends, family and
your doctor. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.
 
"I Roar Out Against The Dark"
    
My eyes flutter open
Something passes over me
This is so dark a place
How has this come to be
     
I know I have been chained
For far too long
The chains are so heavy
They are so strong
   
The weary starts to take me
The peaceful void of sleep
Something stirs within me
Something buried deep
  
The smallest voice
Speaks within
My eyes flash open
Wide again
  
The darkness knows
That it cannot hide
But still it swells
As I reach out my mind
   
The darkness tries
To wrap me tight
But past the dark
I sense the light
  
I take a hold
I beckon it in
The darkness knows
It cannot win
   
I raise my head
Against my fears
Lying in puddles
Of wasted tears
  
The chains now old
Are covered with rust
So tired, so heavy
But I know that I must
   
I stretch myself
I break the chains
   
I roar out against the dark
  
Danny Gunter
 -
12/2005
    

Yesterday, Tomorrow and Today

"Yesterday, Tomorrow and Today"

Oh my God,
I hoped and I loved.
I wished that my heart,
Could rise above.

Can a heart rise?
When it believes?
Past the times,
When there's no way to retrieve?

Love can be broken,
Love can be wrong.
Love can be hard,
Hearts can wonder where they belong.

There are no easy answers,
There is no easy way.
When you try to reconcile,
Yesterday, tomorrow and today.

d
Danny Gunter
06 07 08

Danny Gunter
Revised
12-02-2011