Sunday, March 13, 2011
between pillar & post
Over the course of my life, I have pulled between pillar & post.
People used me as a conduit to exert a measure of control of their lives.
I’ve been spoiled, tossed and held high.
I’ve been pride and shame for people who care for and love me.
In younger years, I lived knowing I may have to pack my bags and go live in another place at any time, all dictated by other people’s needs, whims and desires.
They never asked me how it made me feel or what I wanted. They just assumed that my re-location was for the best regardless of how it made me feel.
I have lived in over 10 houses in the Greater Kansas City area and I have been schooled in no less than 9 different school districts.
I do believe that this unwanted diversity added to my character but left me with feeling helplessness living life as a victim in the current of a river.
I don’t have to live like that anymore and I know while misguided, none of it was done with any intent to hurt me or make me feel bad. I liken myself to an important piece on a board game while the adults played their game of Life.
I do not begrudge anyone, but I will not and I do not have to live like that anymore. The rest of this is MINE. I had to get to the age of 40 to say that.
I just want everyone to understand how it felt living and knowing that at any moment that each and every friend could be taken, that every anchor that I had could be pulled away from me at any time leaving me at the mercy of angry seas adrift in this Tsunami of life. Never knowing where I might be next week. My Mom & Dad were amazing people and my sisters were awesome (when they weren’t teasing me).
I am finally out of the reach of that controlling force and no person will ever put me back into that situation again. I will not have it and I am strong enough now to say, NO! THIS IS MY LIFE and I choose and I decide.
I am damn happy and I AM THE ONE who made it that way,